Part 2: Transforming trauma Remember to forget what happened 10 years ago
I was dancing to my favorite song when I fell into shock and lost myself for a little while. I don't quite remember when and how but with the song arose a chain of memories...
I'm crying this is way more than I thought.
I'm so foolish.
I feel sad.
I feel broken.
I feel desperate.
I wonder I wonder why I always wanted to know what happened that day.
Who the fuck is he even?
And what did he do to me?
When I think of him he looks like a ghost. A silhouette.
I know that he is a he.
I just know.
The room is dark when he enters.
I can feel that something is off about this whole thing.
I can tell that something is gonna happen.
And it's not gonna be any good.
He is pure darkness. -
I am dancing.
I am in my body.
Feeling every inch of my cells when it comes over me.
It's him again.
Usually, he only comes back when I have .. sex.
But there is now, clearly and undeniably.
Right in front of me.
I stop dancing. I stare at him. The room is dark. The candles are the only source of light.
No one is using me.
No one is triggering me. -
I'm lying on the ground.
And crying. On his knees.
I feel so scared. I am completely alone with this.
I am completely alone with him.
I've never been trapped in memories with him alone before.
There was always someone to tell me I am safe.
Not today baby. Not today.
I know this was good, I know I needed this to happen.
I needed to feel this. I needed to feel it out, to heal it out.
On my own.
And I also know, I needed to start to forgive.
To forgive the man, that hurt me when I was an innocent child.
To forgive a man, that I don't recognize.
It's okay Kathy.
It's just a memory.
And even if it feels completely real, you are in control of this.
You got this, cause you got me.
Memories are flawed, remember? Feelings are flawed. I am flawed.
I don't even know if it's real or if I am just "acting up".
I want to cry, but what for?
Don't make a drama, don't be so emotional, what are you sad for anyway?
I have no proof that I've ever been raped, I don't know if it really happened.
Or if it's all just in my head...
I wanna know so bad.
I used to cry every time I slept with a man. I think that might be one of the reasons why I stopped. If I am being honest my sexual orientation had a lot to do with my abuse. Today, I consider myself queer and I just love who tf I wanna love. But for a while I hated men, I feel ashamed to admit it but yes I did. My grief turned into hate and I'm not proud of it. And certain men over a certain age just scared the hell out of me.
I want to feel safe. But it feels like every time I sleep with a man I am reliving my trauma.
And I am choosing to sleep with men that don't treat me well, yeah almost abusive, like I'm choosing to feel the same pain over and over again. I am not even trying to change the story. I just choose to repeat it. Sleeping with someone that treats you like shit, is like some kind of self-harm. If you have any self-respect for yourself, you don't let people just use you and throw you away once they're done with you.
But.. I love the toxic fuckboys. They make me feel alive.
I don't want to be trapped anymore. Trapped in painful memories. -
I am so scared, lying on the ground like a little baby.
I am 23 years old, but I'm still a fucking child.
My rational brain is telling me that nothing is happening right now and that I should just get myself together. Logic had become my best friend in the past few months.
"It is all in your head. You are safe now. You are safe in this present moment.
Yes, you can feel it. Yes, it still hurts. But today you are here and you are safe.
You can let it go now."
But can I? Am I ready to let go yet? Am I ready to move on? Cause at the end I am so identified with my past and my pain that it kinda feels like losing myself if I'd let go of the grief. -
On the floor. With my tummy facing the ground, I am reliving a rape.
For a while, I just lie there and stagnate in the overwhelming feeling that's consuming my soul. I know it hurts like a bitch right now but I want to be present with the pain.
Because it's just me myself and the memory,
I won't dissociate this time.
This time, there is no one to abuse me right now.
I will change the ending. -
Slowly but surely I get myself up from the ground. Like a phoenix rising.
And when I stand there with my feet grounded into the earth, I feel scared but powerful. I straighten my back, prepare myself to speak, and then slowly lift up my face that was facing the ground all this time.
I am crying, I am shaking but the ground got my back.
So I look him straight into his eyes, fiercely.
I know I need to speak up and fight back, the time has come.
For me but especially for the little girl that couldn't protect herself 10 years ago.
The little girl that left me with a broken heart.
My inner child. -
"You can fuck off you little asshole.
You are not welcome here!
Don't you dare touch my fucking child ever again.
No one lays hands on my little girl!"
I feel sad but strong. And angry, but good anger. I was never able to have a healthy relationship with anger and never knew how to use it appropriately and when. But there I was. Angry as fuck.
I am holding the hand of the little girl that is me. Have you ever held your own hand? Together we stare at our preditor in front of us, but nothing can harm us. When we're bonding we're like an unbreakable fortress no one could ever get in. I tell her to step in front of me, with my arms protectively around her.
Yes, I could've told her to hide behind my back, but this girl was stronger than that. Together we watch our preditor slowly fall apart and disappear. While we're holding on to each other.
I lift her up and give her the longest most loving hug I have ever given anyone.
"It's over my dear.", I whisper. "It's time to go to bed baby girl.
I love you.
You are safe.
Nothing will happen to you I am here"
And then I gently carry her in her bed, put the blanket carefully on top of her, and kiss her gently on the forehead. Then, I sit right there next to her for a while until she falls asleep.
For the first time in her whole life, my baby is at peace. - and so am I.
I open my eyes. I am in my room. All by myself sitting on my bed. The lights are dimmed. The music has stopped a long time ago. Now it was just me and the silence.
But it was good silence.
I take a deep breath in.
It's over, I think, It's over...
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