Daddy issues - When he left (A poem)

You left when I was only 2,

And mama seemed all over you,

Tried to get over you,

With many other men.


And I was standing at the window,

Night by night,

Staring in the dark.


Daddy left,

Mama won't come back... I feared,

Lonely nights,

With tears in my eyes.

With fears of abandonment,

And a dad who's always absent.

And mama, mama!

Please stop crying!

I was so young,

And thinking about dying.


Today I'm 22,

And you are still the absent dad,

But mama..stopped being sad.

Wish I'd know how to stop it too.


I am all by myself,

Merry Christmas,

Cheers to me,

A lonely loner in this big big world.

A warrior fighting an endless war.


22 so young, technically still a baby.

Too young to be this sad,

What do they say, daddy?

Broken isn't bad?


Today I'm trying to be the friend,

I never had.


I'm trying so hard.

I'm tired,

I'm angry.

I'm sad.


Another punch,

Another punch,

Giving you the left cheek,

And my right.

I deserved it, am I wrong?

Another one,

You call me weak.

Another one,

But I'm still standing.


Losing sight,

Falling apart inside,

But I'm still standing.

No, I'm not breaking.


Why did you leave me when I was only two?

I wonder at the age of twenty-two.


My thoughts are going wild:

Who am I without you?

Was I not worthy of you?

How can I make the pain go away, too?


Is life just an accumulation of endless pain?

I don't know how to make it stop.

GO AWAY, GO AWAY RAIN!

Wonder, will he ever say "knock, knock?"

"Hey, my little baby girl I'm back."


They say

No one will fix me but me,

But what if I'm unfixable?

Soon I'll be twenty-three,

It's been two decades of sadness.

When will I finally feel free,

From a dad that abandoned me?


- Daddy issues



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© 2019 by Katharina Peters German model and actress based in Germany